Archive for the ‘Pets’ Category

LOLcats and HotDogs

Recently I’ve been looking at the icanhascheezburger site…to laugh. They feature Lolcats and HotDogs

A lolcat is an image combining a photograph of a cat, with a humorous and idiosyncratic caption in English (and usually grammatically incorrect) —a dialect which is known as “lolspeak” or “kitty pidgin” and which parodies the poor grammar you see in internet slang (think a 14-year-old instant messaging).

The term lolcat gained national media attention in the United States when it was covered by Time, which wrote that non-commercialized phenomena of the sort are increasingly rare, stating that lolcats have “a distinctly old-school, early 1990s, Usenet feel to [them]”.

Entertainment Weekly put them on its end-of-the-decade, “best-of” list, saying, “Da cutest distractshun of da decaid? Y, lolcats of corse! We can neber haz enuf of deez capshioned pics of cuddlie kittehs.”

These Lolcat pictures can either be shockingly incorrect on grammar and spelling:

Or they can be just plain funny:

And of course this particular website has not left out the canine species, which are exactly the same as lolcats, only in dog form:

Laughter is a given, check out lolcats here at icanhascheezburger or hotdogs at ihasahotdog

Dog bulb

How does a Dog change a Lightbulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Labrador: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb?

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there …

Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle …

Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat: “Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some
light, some dinner, and a massage?”

Secret Diary Of A Cat

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair… must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep-depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was …Hmmm. Not working according to plan…

DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait; it is only a matter of time….

Attention Dog Guardians

A Dog’s Oath

1. I will not play tug-of-war with Daddy’s underwear when he’s on the can.

2. I will remember that the bin collectors are NOT stealing our stuff.

3. I will not suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.

4. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

5. I will shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

6. I will not eat the cat’s food, before, during or after, she eats it.

7. I will stop trying to find new places on the carpet when I am about to throw up.

8. I will not throw up in the car.

9. I will not roll on dead things.

10. I will stop considering the cat’s litter box as a cookie jar.

11. I will not wake up Mommy by putting my cold, wet nose on her face.

12 . I will not chew toothbrushes and not tell anyone about it.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, my people will think that I am haemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.

15. I do not need to tear out a room when someone is exiting, thus reducing the risk of knocking them over.

16. We do not have a doorbell. Therefore, I will not bark each time I hear one on the television.

17. I will not steal my Mommy’s underwear out of the laundry basket and then dance all over the back yard with them.

18. I will remember the sofa is not a face towel and neither are Mommy’s & Daddy’s laps.

19. I will remember my head does not belong in the refrigerator.

20. I will not bite the policeman’s hand when he reaches in for Mommy’s driver’s license.

A Letter To A Pet

Dear Dog and/or Cat,

when I say to move, it means go some place else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Also bear in mind that my dishes are NOT on the floor…yours are. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.)

My compact discs and DVDs are not miniature Frisbees.

I have bought a scratching post specifically for one purpose – to be scratched. I would ask the cat in particular to use this in the future instead of constantly destroying the couch.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years…canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door…

Rules for Non-Pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
1. They live here; you don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it’s an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.

Yours Sincerely,

Master